Day 1: When Dreams Shatter

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My relationship with dreaming was strong. When I was little I loved to get lost in my imagination world, where I was 20, could drive, would be in love, and in my dream job. All I wanted was to be older, driving, loved, and passionate about my job. I dreamed hard and often, until I discovered that dreaming is more disappointing than life giving. 

By 20, all I had was my driver’s license and a broken heart. 

My grandmother died when I was 19, three weeks into the beginning of my dreams coming true. I was independent, at least in the fact that I was away from home and had my own car. I had a boy back home who I could see myself loving for the long haul. I was pursing my writing dreams. I could see it all unfolding. Then everything changed.

I promised myself that I would never let my hopes and dreams soar again. It was too painful to watch everything I desired get so close to a happy ending and then shatter before my eyes.

When she died, it all seemed empty; worthless and pointless. I moved home to heal, saying good bye to my feeling of freedom. I pushed the guy away and I sucked my friends dry by using them as emotional punching bags. Pursuing writing was the only thing that stayed with me, but even then, I didn’t believe that I would ever impact a life the way my favorite authors did me. What I had was worthless. 

So, I stopped dreaming. I stopped believing in dreams. I let go of hope for my future. Without her it did not seem possible. It did not feel right without her being in my reality. I focused on taking one day at a time, not letting myself think about the future for too long, because there is only heartbreak on the other side of dreams. That is what I believed. 

The only way we can begin to dream again is dive into why we stopped dreaming to begin with. I stopped dreaming, because it felt wrong to live without my Nana. It felt wrong to be happy without her. Heartbreak is a real dream sucker. 

Why did you stop dreaming? Can you track down the moment you decided it was a waste of your time to believe that what you hope for could be a reality? 

- Hannah