Day 6: The Timeline

If we have hope because of Jesus, why is it so hard to maintain that hope? To hold on to the belief that even when things go hard that there will be light on the other side of darkness. That even when things go another direction our dreams still have merit. 

Some will say it is from lack of faith and belief that Jesus is who He says He is. Some will say we never had belief to begin with. But I do not think these things are true. We are human, and we feel deeply. When hard things happen, it is okay to grieve. It is okay to wallow for a period of time. When our dreams for the future do not play out it stings. But we can’t stay in this place. We can’t live in the land of unfulfilled timelines, because timelines have nothing to do with our dreams coming true. God is not limited by our time frame or desires. You know what caused you to step back from dreaming. I know my reasons. 

I didn’t get my way in my timing, so I threw my version of an adult tantrum; I threw away my dreams. I started moving around people with suspicion and at arm’s length, because I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I stopped trying, because even if I did something would happen to rip me up to the point of not being able to fully enjoy anything at all. But God.

When we seek God we start embracing life; healing and moving forward. But, we have to get up and do something. After seven years I am just now starting to be thankful and grateful that the timeline and some of my specific dreams were shattered. I am glad the thing with the guy did not work out. I am glad I moved home and went to a school closer to home, because my health issues were discovered and then I was able to start going to a school where I am thriving. I am glad I left the church I grew up in, because then I was able to get back to basics in my faith and dismantle the religion that had stacked up in my life. I am learning to dream again. It is messy trying and starting to live fully again, not merely an observer of life but a participant in taking chances. It feels good and scary all at the same time. 

We can dream again. We are going to hurt again. It doesn’t mean we will not hurt again or get disappointed. Right now I am currently hurting and in a disappointment.

Again, because I am not getting what I wanted how I wanted it. Our selfishness, that is what makes holding on to hope hard. But I believe we can dream and hold on to Jesus at the same time, we just need to grieve and step out of the way. 

- Hannah